A STUPID THINGS QUALIFY THAT ME AS FELLOW THE.

I dedicate this article to my childhood friend Eddy Arnold Ogolla. I lost you to cancer, I know you’re right here in my heart all the time. We did a lot together for us to grow up. The hill was the best adventure with you.

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When I was little I thought beautiful women never went to the toilet. Simply, they were too pretty to do that.

As of now….

Most folk term it as “gaining weight”, I just want to be fat with thick little fingers. You know, like a lump of jelly, obese from sitting for 14 hours and sleeping the other eight hours. Walking and showering – an hour and making little “Ians” for the rest of the day.

Such a life would be a dream come true but for now how about I tell you the things that qualify me as a stupid fellow.

How many attempts did you make? On the title.

My mama told me that I loved ripe bananas very much. Especially Ugandan ones by the name mbogoya. I would climb into the wall-unit, steal and eat the bananas in that piece of furniture. Finally, I would fall asleep in there, most probably on my swollen belly with my little feet sticking out of the wall-unit.

I cannot believe I was dumb even before I attained the age of reason.

When I got to the age of reason, I watched Chuck Norris and Van-dame. I should have known such do not mix well with imagination. Especially when it comes to parachutes. So I climbed a tree with a paper-bag in hand. Got to a branch and held tightly onto the two handles. Off I flew. All I recall was hitting the very bottom of my spine on the freshly dug soil. To emphasize what I felt, I mean the area just above the anus.

Later on, I got smarter and customized the parachute to my liking. I found a horizontal branch tied the paper-bag handles on it then stood in it and swung while holding the branch. When I got tired, I made holes for each leg on either side then sat and drifted in thought. It looked like a giant underwear.

 I recall other times when I broke the bed. I prepared the-carpenter’s-food which was; styling gel – it was bluish and sweet – accompanied with stolen sugar and water. So I chewed lots of BIG –G, enough to fix the bed.

I often imagined that if I went to where the sun sleeps, I would play some more. On a weekend, my newly-made friend Eddy Arnold, my younger brother Lee and I set out for the hills. Even though I was happy to discover quarries and pick rocks, I was hurt that the sun slept even further that day. I thought there were blessed people whose children kept the sun when I was forced to sleep.

So when the teacher said the sun rises on the East and sets West, I asked how does it go back to the East?  

Eddy, Lee and I once blocked the water down the shallow stream with chunks of soil and swam in the brown water. We only kept the innerwear. Some called them sambu/ sambusa/ samosa and later isosceles since it had two similar triangles. I can only imagine my ribs sticking out as I jumped into the water, marking out the shape of a giant frog in mid-air. There was no need for towels, the sun acted as one.

As a trio, we played hide-and-seek. I hid behind a gate by opening it. The game was such a thrill till we realized I had let a thousand chicken into the compound. When Eddy’s mama asked who it was, I denied being the one. I was used to lying but not on this one. I had already forgotten I was the one.

I was also thrilled by being chased around by a cock, I mean the ‘male’ bird. Eddy owned a wild one that fought humans too. Trust me I got cornered once and I had to fight a bird!

I guess time went by and schooling caught up too. Sometimes I dropped lines like, “I have forgotten my Mathematics homework book at home.” I was caned.

Later I learned how to talk to girls. Had my first crush (Bannette Odembo) at the age of eleven and had a girlfriend at twelve (Patricia Akinyi). You should see them now; utavunja shingo. (You won’t stop staring.)

 I was caught by surprise to learn that TBT means Throw Back Thursday few days ago. I often wondered; whose name has such abbreviations? Is he a celebrity to be mentioned so often?